The End of the Two

I wonder how old I was when I first started to dislike mirrors.

When I was a child, I didn't mind them that much, I think. When I entered middle school, I really couldn't stand them anymore.

On the other hand, living one's life avoiding mirrors completely is close to impossible. Every time I look in the mirror while getting ready in the morning, I start to feel depressed.

As for why I dislike mirrors, it's because they always end up showing me how I look.

I absolutely hate how I look.

I absolutely hate my appearance, which matches that of my younger sister exactly, like two peas in a pod.

My connection with my sister is simple. We are family, we are siblings, and even beyond that, we are twins.

Long ago, the relationship between us sisters appeared to be excellent. Because we were together everywhere and at all times, we resembled each other to the point where even our parents could not tell us apart.

Anyway, this is all a tale of the past.

When we entered middle school, I started developing an inferiority complex towards my sister. I was her spitting image, we spent every moment together, we had all the same classes, and yet, my sister was superior to me. Intellectually, physically, even just as a person.

When I stood next to my sister, I was compared to her. Eventually, to avoid creating situations where I was with her, I started openly avoiding her.

At first, she might have been confused by my behaviour. But ultimately she also started to avoid me. It became obvious that she too disliked me. That's how it is for sisters at that age.

It's a pretty typical story, I guess. Sisters in their teens who are on bad terms — you can find them anywhere. If anything, it would be more unusual to find ones who are on good terms, I think. Sisters like that would feel repulsive to me.

It really was the typical story. Right now we barely even have everyday conversations, but at some point, once we become old ladies or so, we will get along just fine again. That's what I thought.

And then, my sister passed away.

On a day when it suddenly became cold, as October came to an end.

Hit by a truck whose driver was distracted, my sister, Sayaka, passed away.

Her death was quick and abrupt.

Apparently, her corpse was in a terrible state. I was asked whether or not I wanted to see the dead Sayaka, but I declined. My mum and dad saw her. They broke down crying, saying they would never forgive the driver.

Just like this, the two of us became one of us.

After the funeral service and all those things were over, around the time when everything settled down a bit, I was tasked by my parents with clearing out my sister's room.

It wasn't that thorough of a clear-out. After my parents discussed the issue, they decided to mostly leave the room as-is. My job was to look for the photos and documents my sister kept. Apparently my parents wanted to store them somewhere safe.

Not long after I started looking, I found the photos. They were all stored together, from primary school up to middle school and even high school, all of them in one place.

The photos depicted a smiling Sayaka, participating at various events.

It was her, without a doubt. But even so, I got the feeling that “this is not Sayaka”.

The Sayaka within the pictures was exceedingly normal, blending right into the crowds.

That was unlike her. Sayaka was not like that.

Sayaka was cuter. She was beautiful. She had a bright shine.

The face I saw in the pictures didn't seem at all like her.

I traced her outline, protected by the thin sheet of paper.

― “I wonder why it is that she ended up dying.”

This was my question at that point. Many days had passed since her death. It must have taken some time for my mind to calm down and start to have doubts.

With it turning out like this. With her life coming to such an end, I wish I would have gotten along with her more, on a regular basis.

In her room, there were many things lying around that I had no idea about. Back in the day, the things we bought, the things people bought for us, they were all the same for both of us. I knew about all of Sayaka's things, whatever they were.

But now, there was something next to her pillow, a plushie looking like merchandise for some character, which I didn't know the name of.

The Sayaka I remember is the Sayaka I hate. The Sayaka I avoid, the Sayaka who avoids me. Even apart at meal times. We were even in different clubs. I didn't know the recent Sayaka at all.

I tried to remember the Sayaka from the long gone times when we got along. But the Sayaka I hate always somehow came to mind first, so I couldn't make myself remember the young Sayaka's smile.

My regrets slowly turned into revulsion.

Why did she have to die at such a young age. Couldn't it have happened much later. Couldn't it have happened after we both became grandmas.

Strangely, I didn't develop a grudge against the inattentive driver.

The anger turned towards myself, and towards Sayaka.

Why her, though.

She did leave me behind, I guess.

Couldn't we have lived like in the old times, without developing these feelings like black mud. Even if I miss Sayaka, can't I be thankful for her up until now.

I looked down on the photo. The flimsy Sayaka is laughing.

I tried digging my fingernail into her face. Just like that the picture was changed, and now Sayaka has a fingernail mark.

I felt a little bit satisfied and lifted my eyes from the picture. Reflected in a standing mirror, I met my own gaze.

The me in the mirror resembled Sayaka even more so than the pictures did.

I came closer to the mirror. I slowly tried touching it. The fingerprints stained the mirror's shine. That was it. I couldn't touch the person in the mirror, who looked just like Sayaka.

As much as I could, I tried smiling brightly in front of the mirror.

In front of my eyes was a smiling Sayaka. Her face overwrote the last Sayaka that lived in my memories.

The train doors open with a noticeable sound. As I get off at the station, the cold autumn wind hits my face. The difference in temperature between inside and outside the train makes me huddle up, as the train leaves me behind on its way to the next station. Even looking around, there is nobody else here. I didn't really expect an unstaffed railway station to be this lonely.

Well then, where should I go. I came here without a plan. I came here because out of the blue I remembered a waterfall that had taken me here before.

In my memories, the sunlight was really bright, so it must have been in summer, I think. There was a spray of water that felt really good. Both me and my sister had a lot of fun. Too much fun; we ended up being carried away by the river. It happened a long time ago. More than 10 years ago.

I remember this fondly, we were in an amazingly happy mood, and as we energetically rode the train, we noticed a train station we'd never come to before. I wonder, did I really have this much motivation.

Despite this being a memory from 10 years ago, I remember it pretty well. Of course, you might say. After all, I loved Sayaka, so there's no way I would forget the time I spent with her.

The intimate sisters, always together, never once in a fight.

That was us. That was me and Sayaka.

That's how it should have been.

Being together with her even now.

I took out a folding pocket mirror from my bag, and slowly opened it. Before my eyes, there was Sayaka. She was smiling. It gave me a pleasant feeling.

I put the mirror away and looked ahead intently. I want to see the waterfall again. I wonder if I should first head for the forest, or maybe for the river.

I started to walk, making my sneaker heels clack.

All the leaves overhead were dyed red or yellow. I almost got the feeling that they were welcoming me. Only barely keeping my rising heart at bay, I triumphantly set my legs in motion.

Within my eyes, the serene sky was reflected clearly.

Where should I go. I wonder, where should I go.

I can go anywhere. Anywhere is fine.

Because if we are together, we can walk anywhere we want.

Wherever we are headed, we are certain to arrive.

Because if both of us are here, nothing is impossible.

Because of that, until the very end, I believed that I could get there.

When I look into a mirror, there is a face just like that of my older sister Ayaka.

But, mine and Ayaka's face certainly don't look exactly the same. A mole around the eye. The way of laughing. Once you catch sight of the differences, you will notice them no matter what. I sighed and looked away from the mirror.

I hate mirrors. Looking into one always makes me feel depressed and anxious. Because every time I look into a mirror, I see my reflection and start to remember both me and the Ayaka who looks exactly like me, one after the other.

Me and Ayaka are like two peas in a pod. Strangers even mistake one of us for the other.

If that's the case, can I see the me reflected in the mirror as being her?

Of course the answer is no.

Ayaka is all alone in the world, she is Ayaka because she is Ayaka, and Sayaka cannot become Ayaka.

I specifically went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, to do a lucky ritual I heard about from a friend.

It was something like, if you make a wish in front of a mirror while washing your hands in running water, at 2 in the morning, that wish will come true.

That's stupid, I thought. But I was even more stupid to actually try it.

I made an excuse for it in my mind: that there is no other chance. After all, if I'm relying on lucky rituals now, it's not a wish that I can resolve in any other way.

I only have one wish.

― “To get along with Ayaka again, like we did back then.”

In the quiet night the sound of the water could be heard clearly. It felt unusually loud. I sighed once again, and turned off the faucet. The sound of the water stopped right away. And this time I was almost crushed by the silence.

My biggest and only wish isn't really showing any signs of coming true. This is because for some reason, Ayaka seems to hate me.

I had no idea why on earth I was so dissatisfied. It's Sayaka's thoughts, there's no chance I would understand them.

To get along with Ayaka again, like we did back then.

Once more I tried to call the wish to mind, as strongly as I could.

What if it comes true — what if?

If I get along with Sayaka again, if we go back to our old relationship. What would I do?

I didn't think up to that point. Maybe I couldn't imagine it. Or maybe I thought that it wouldn't matter in the end.

I thought about the question for a while, but in the end I had no answer, so I just abandoned the question.

If I can get along with Ayaka once more, at that point.

―At that point, I would even be willing to die.